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TeejIsTamara
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Name: Tamara
Location: Waco, Texas, United States
Birthday: 3/31/1984
Interests: psychology, philosophy, 60's stuff, music, DCI, art, ballet, colorguard, people, writing/poetry, some computer stuff, photoshop, SNES, some sports (PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!), making jokes, Shakespeare, outdoors/camping/hiking, fashion somewhat, movies, and helping/listening to people
Expertise: absolutely nothing (almost psychology, though)..I'm working toward degrees so that I can help people suffering from depression and eating disorders because I've been there. I beat anorexia...Still years from grad school, I'm trying to figure out what I want to say in my doctoral thesis, but I'm trying to do what I can until I can have a license to help more.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
4/26/2005
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| warning: Though not originally intended, this entry is long. Do read or bookmark to read when you have time.
That
negative dip is back on it's way out! *light sabre sound* Wah! (read
that as a w followed by a short "o") Yeah, I didn't say it outright,
but there was a definite down swing lately. Gotta keep on pushing
through and not settling for just surviving...Survival isn't a good
enough name of the game. I want better! hehe
Mid-week IA's:- I've
maintained tidiness of the home! Score one for me! I haven't let the
dishes pile up to an intimidating level--not even enough to cover the
bottom of the sink! Go me!
- I have cleaner air at home to
breathe! I've changed both purifiers' filters...each had turned almost
black, one in less than a week! I've also gotten additional filters to
use at the same time. I also have a new filter for my vacuum, which
helps a TON! Yay for actually breathing air and not dust and grime!
- I'm
getting unsick! Yay! I was getting worried that I'd need to go see a
doc, but from the time I woke up this morning I've been feeling
better. I'll continue to take my asthma medicine as I have the last
few weeks and continue to hope that bronchitis (or the pneumonia that
has gone around work as of late) doesn't develop. I may want to look
into seeing a doc anyway so that I can get a script for some steroids
for my lungs. They've reverted to being bad like they were in middle
school. (I hope the purifiers are to blame for them getting so
bad...and getting better too.)
- I have a ton of stuff to learn
how to sculpt stuff for real...and to continue with my most recent
artsy/crafty project...more on that later when I finish the first..It's
slow goings right now as I don't like it that much and would like to
start over.
- I had an incredibly insightful (almost confusing
and angering but also comforting) conversation last night with a
special someone. No worries, it was good. It wasn't one of those
conversations that has the potential to leave me incredibly depressed
and wishing I knew none of it, feeling worse about myself than before.
It was definitely good. I told a woman at work about it, and even
though she doesn't know the full history (meaning the details of most
of the bad), she grabbed my wrist to check for a pulse. haha Yep, I
haven't dropped dead yet! We'll see what comes of this. I'm going to
"keep cool." I've found that distance, patience, and going slow are
the key to healthy relationships for me. I'm not pushing anything, and
it feels good...especially after that conversation. (Plus, I'm kind of
proud of myself; I think I handled some of the hard-to-swallow
info...which was just about all of it!...maturely. That feels really
good, too!)
- I bought myself flowers over the weekend, I think
on Saturday, and they're still blooming and beautiful. Simple and
girly, but it makes me smile to walk into my house or roll away from
the wall in bed and see my cafe-style table with a vase full of (LIVE)
flowers.
 See that smile? That's actually MY smile! haha
I
know I'm repeating a lot of the same themes in my things I
appreciate...but for me, it's a huge deal. It's a huge deal that I'm
getting back into a place where I'm not slipping in and out of
outrageous depressive episodes with a depressive undertone regardless
of the existence of a major episode. It's a huge deal that I'm
appreciating these silly small things and that I'm allowing myself to
indulge in them. Even something like keeping my place clean for a few
weeks actively, and not just in a "I have my one room getting horribly
depressively nasty and unattended to because it takes much too much
effort for me to do anything but messy it" kind of way, is a big deal.
Buying myself flowers and enjoying them (though I'm not one to stop and
smell them...) is nice. I'm grateful that I can afford to; I guess if
it was ever a priority to meet these basic living standards I could
always have afforded it.
That's the point of all this...It
was an idea I held at high value but never made a real priority to
happen and maintain. Now here I am, enjoying it...even as fun as some
of this stuff isn't. Sure, the novelty runs out at some point; that's
why when I told myself "This is it this time. I'm going to maintain my
house/whatever" it didn't work. The novelty of doing it the first time
ran out, and the priority to maintain wasn't ever actually set. I
seeing the glimpses of the me in my senior year of high school, the
happiest and most productive and caring I ever have been. The
difference now, is that I'm actually beginning to resemble someone
slightly grown up on top of it...instead of someone merely grown up for
my age. There are things still missing, blocks to be put in place, a
relationship to restore and mend...With time, those too will be set at
a high enough priority to not just mourn the loss of and hold a mindful
idea of value deep down but a priority that actually makes a
difference. So many times I miss that 17/18 year-old girl for one
reason or another...the shine in her eyes and the genuine smile...the
laughter...It's coming back...It's coming back... | | |
| Here she is, folks! (my almost 12-hour old niece)
Madison Leighanne
Man, I'm tired. Time to gather my crap and get back to stupid Waco for stupid work in the stupid morning.  | | |
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